IS THIS ROMANCE?

(Nature’s least inspiring relationships)

Unlucky in love? Offerings from tinder not up to scratch? It could be worse… It could be so much worse.

As Valentines day approaches, consider your distant relative, the magnificent female Ceratoid Angler fish.

This fish, like Beyonce, is an independent woman. She is a deep sea fisherwoman who has evolved an ingenious way of luring prey into her mouth using a modified dorsal fin with a bioluminescent tip. Her mouth and body can distend to accommodate prey twice her own size, which then becomes trapped by her inwardly pointing teeth.

Unfortunately for her, this fierce independence has not resulted in riches and a successful marriage to Jay Z.

Enter, the male angler fish.

OK, on looks maybe he’s a 5 and she’s a 2, but he is significantly smaller than the female.

However, this pathetic specimen has not got the adaptations that make the female such an excellent hunter. After hatching he is adrift in the deep ocean, lost unable to catch, and in some species, even eat food by himself.

The male ceratioid lives solely to find and mate with a female.

IS THIS ROMANCE?*

Let’s picture the first date.

A female ceratoid is minding her own business. Possibly she is wondering when her next meal will swim into her mouth. A young male some distance away sniffs. He can smell woman. Using his well developed nostrils he follows the trail…

There she is, floating magnificently in the gloom. This is the first female he has ever encountered and he is not well versed in chat up lines. Possibly he has never even seen a romcom. He panics. Maybe she will swim away and he will die alone in the dark. He has to act.

So he does what his father did before him and sinks his teeth into her skin. We can only speculate as to what the female is thinking at this point. Perhaps she enjoys it. We don’t know.

The male then releases an enzyme which digests the skin of his mouth and her body, fusing the pair at blood-vessel level which allows him to leach nutrients directly from her blood.

The pair are now bonded for life.

IS THIS ROMANCE?*

Even if he wanted to, the male can not let go. He will gradually loose his own internal organs until he is essentially just a pair of bollocks attached to the female’s side.

What about when another seven males attach themselves to her side in the same way?

IS THAT ROMANCE?*

Happy Valentines Day!

*No. Technically, it is sexual parasitism.