Starting School

Its that time of year again, when thousands of four year olds are handed over to the state to be educated. Yippee! What could be better? Educated four year olds and free time for parents? It does throw up some questions and worries, but don’t worry, your Aunty Catherine is here to help you through the main hurdles.

1. How to prepare your child for its education: Make sure the little blighter is able to remove and re put on its school uniform (The teacher will thank you when it comes to PE lessons). At this point in early September, there’s not time for much else so just stick with that.
2. The School Run. Sounds daunting, but don’t worry there’s no need to actually run. I usually walk, but if you’re a rural type you might have to go in the car. It basically means getting your offspring up, out of bed, dressed in their uniform, teeth & hair brushed and make them eat some breakfast before taking them to school (You should probably put some clothes on yourself too). Most schools are quite uptight about you actually getting there on time — this is because OFSTED are up their arses about it, so try your best!
3. The School Gate. This is where you will meet ‘The Other Parents/Carers’ There’s no need to be scared, they are basically a collection of people who have in some way procured themselves a kid and kept it alive for 4 years. There are two basic approaches to ‘The Other Parents’ The first is to be yourself. This approach quickly weeds out the people who you probably wouldn’t want to be friends with anyway. The downside is that everyone will quickly know that you are a weirdo. The other approach, is to not be yourself. Ideally, choose some kind of anodyne persona that will be inoffensive and reveal your true self later when you spot someone who you like. I have read that ‘Other Parents/Carers’ are intimidating, but having had kids at several schools and preschools I don’t think they are. Perhaps they are silently judging me, but I doubt it, and if they are silently is a completely ineffective way to judge a person. The main issue with ‘The Other Parents/Carers’ is trying to remember all their bastard names. There are usually at least two per kid so that makes 60 names you sort of should try to remember. Maybe get a notebook and write them down? One of my best mates is still in my phone as ‘Laura? Rocco’s Mum’ and another really nice woman is in as “School mum (leg warmers)’ If it all gets too much you can always turn up exactly as the bell goes each day and try to scarper really quickly. Common ‘other parent/carer’ traps include accidentally providing free after school child care for someone else’s kid. You will not realise that this is happening for a while, but tell tale signs are receiving texts that say ‘Are you taking X home with you tonight? Please let me know ASAP so I can arrange an alternative if not’ at 2:50pm. And their kid being at your house more than 3 nights a week when your kid has never been to theirs. I don’t know how to avoid this but you can just stop it by saying no &/or not answering their texts. Never give a reason why.
4. Drop Off. Hand over your child! No! Hand it over! Some kids go mental when you try to send them off into their classroom. You can compensate for this by crying and researching home schooling until 3:20. Other kids will just go in happily making you wonder if they ever really liked you.
5. Pick Up. This is where you collect your freshly educated four year old. By 3:20 your four year old has had to put up with all kinds of shit and they probably won’t want to talk to you. They will want either;

a) A snack

b) A drink

c) A no questions asked tantrum

d) To be carried home

e) To watch cbeebies until they fall into a mini coma

f) All of the above.

As your kid gets older they will have more stamina and by the time they’re at the end of their first year they’ll probably bound out of school wanting to be entertained. Good luck! Enjoy your free time and your freshly educated kids.